I remember standing in the bookstore, holding a $15 book I wanted to read. My hand was literally shaking. Not because I couldn’t afford it—I could. Not because it was irresponsible—it wasn’t.
I was shaking because I was about to buy something without asking permission first.
I was a grown adult with my own income, and I felt like a child sneaking candy. Because for years, that’s exactly what I was—someone who had to ask permission to spend money. On anything. Even on myself.
If you’ve ever felt like you need someone else’s approval before you can buy something for yourself, even something small, even with your own money—this post is for you.
The Shy Question I’d Ask (Like a Child)
It wasn’t even a direct question most of the time. It was more like… testing the waters. Mentioning casually that I saw something I wanted. Gauging the reaction. Waiting to see if it would be okay.
“I was thinking about getting another book…”
Not a statement. A question disguised as a statement. Waiting for approval. Waiting for permission that I shouldn’t have needed to ask for in the first place.
And if I didn’t ask? If I just bought something? The comments would come. Not always direct criticism, but enough to make me feel guilty. Enough to make me feel like I’d done something wrong. Enough to make me feel small.
So I learned to ask. Every time. For everything.
A book. Clothes for myself. A Samsung tablet I’d been wanting. Even small things that cost almost nothing. I felt like I had to run every purchase by someone else first, like I needed their permission to spend my own money on myself.
It made me feel like a child. Like I wasn’t capable of making my own decisions. Like my wants and needs didn’t matter unless someone else validated them first.
When I Realized What I Was Doing
The worst part? I didn’t even realize I was doing it for years.
It just became normal. The way things were. I thought everyone checked in with their partner before buying things. I thought this was what being responsible looked like—making sure someone else approved of my purchases before I made them.
It wasn’t until friends started pointing it out that I saw the pattern. “Why are you asking? It’s your money.” And I’d feel this wave of shame because I didn’t have a good answer. I just… did. Because not asking felt dangerous somehow.
But even after I realized what I was doing, I couldn’t stop. The habit was too deep. The fear of disapproval was too strong. So I kept asking, kept waiting for permission, kept feeling smaller and smaller every time I did.
The Things I Hid
Sometimes I’d buy things without asking. But I couldn’t just buy them normally, like a functioning adult. I’d hide them.
I’d stash purchases in my car. Downplay what I spent. Lie about where things came from. “Oh, this old thing? I’ve had it forever.” When really I’d just bought it and felt too guilty to admit it.
Hiding purchases made me feel even worse than asking permission. Because now I wasn’t just small—I was sneaky. I was doing something “wrong” and covering it up. The shame would compound.
But asking permission felt impossible too. So I’d swing between the two—asking like a child or hiding like a criminal. Never just… buying something I wanted like a normal person who had the right to make their own decisions.
What It Felt Like (Even When I Had “Permission”)
Even when I did ask and got approval, it didn’t feel good.
I’d still have to justify the purchase. Explain why I needed it. Prove it was reasonable. Make a case for why I deserved to spend money on myself.
And even after going through all of that, I’d still feel guilty buying it. Like I was taking something I shouldn’t have. Like I was being selfish or irresponsible, even though I’d literally gotten permission.
The guilt was always there. Before asking. While asking. After buying. It never went away.
Because the real issue wasn’t whether someone else approved of my purchases. It was that I’d learned I didn’t have the right to make those decisions for myself. That my wants didn’t matter unless someone else validated them first.
Richard Schwartz would call this a “part”—the part of me that learned it wasn’t safe to want things, that needed external validation to feel okay about having needs. That part was still running the show, even when I consciously knew better.
When Everything Changed: Becoming Single
After my separation, the first time I bought something for myself without asking anyone was terrifying.
I stood in the store holding that item, and I could feel the old pattern kicking in. The urge to check. To ask. To get permission before I could proceed.
But there was no one to ask anymore. It was just me. And I had to decide: could I give myself permission?
I bought it. My hands were shaking. I felt guilty the entire way home. I kept waiting for the comment that would make me feel bad about it. But the comment never came because there was no one there to make it.
And slowly, very slowly, I started to realize: I didn’t need permission. I never did. The only approval I needed was my own.
The Guilt That Still Lingers
I wish I could tell you the guilt disappeared completely after that first purchase. It didn’t.
Even now, even though I’m single and making my own decisions, I still feel it sometimes. That little voice that says I need to justify this purchase. That someone’s going to comment on it. That I’m being irresponsible or selfish.
I still brace for criticism that isn’t coming. I still rehearse explanations for purchases I don’t need to explain. I still feel like I’m doing something wrong when I spend money on myself, even though I’m not.
The pattern ran deep. Years of asking permission, years of feeling small, years of learning that my wants didn’t matter—all of that doesn’t just disappear overnight.
But it does get better. Slowly. Purchase by purchase. Decision by decision.
What I Had to Learn: You Don’t Need Anyone’s Permission
Here’s what I’m still learning: You don’t need permission to spend your own money on yourself.
You don’t need to justify your purchases to anyone. You don’t need to explain why you want something. You don’t need to prove you deserve it. You don’t need approval from a partner, a parent, a friend, or anyone else.
If you earned the money, if you can afford it, if it’s not hurting anyone else—you have the right to buy it. Period.
I know that sounds obvious. But if you’ve spent years asking permission, if you’ve been conditioned to believe your wants don’t matter unless someone else validates them, this is revolutionary.
You are allowed to want things. You are allowed to buy things for yourself. You are allowed to make your own decisions about your own money.
You don’t need anyone else’s permission. You just need your own.
How I Started Giving Myself Permission
This didn’t happen overnight. I had to actively work on it, using the healing tools that have helped me with so much of my trauma work.
Tapping Before Making Purchases
The biggest shift came when I started tapping before I bought things for myself. Even now, if I’m about to make a purchase and I feel that old guilt rising, that urge to check in with someone first, I stop and tap.
Karate chop point: “Even though I feel like I need permission to buy this, even though I feel guilty wanting something for myself, I’m allowed to make my own decisions. My wants matter. I don’t need anyone else’s approval.”
Then moving through the points:
Top of head: “This guilt about wanting something”
Eyebrow: “The feeling that I need permission”
Side of eye: “I learned my wants don’t matter”
Under eye: “I learned to ask first”
Under nose: “But I’m an adult now”
Chin: “I get to make my own choices”
Collarbone: “I don’t need anyone else’s permission”
Under arm: “I give myself permission”
Top of head: “My wants matter, and I’m allowed to honor them”
I do this in the store sometimes, right there in the aisle. Just tapping quietly while I hold the item, working through the guilt and fear until I can make the decision from a place of clarity instead of from that scared, small part of me.
If you’re new to tapping and want to learn more, I’ve found [EFT resource – AFFILIATE LINK] really helpful for understanding the basics.
Essential Oils for Courage
I keep a roller bottle of wild orange and bergamot in my purse specifically for these moments. When I’m about to buy something and the old pattern starts kicking in—the urge to ask, the guilt, the fear—I’ll put some on my wrists and take a few deep breaths.
Wild orange helps me feel braver, more confident in my own decisions. Bergamot eases that anxious, guilty feeling that comes up when I’m about to do something my nervous system perceives as “risky”—like spending money on myself without permission.
Sometimes I’ll combine it with the tapping. Oil on my wrists, breathing it in while I tap through the points. The combination helps me shift out of that scared child part and into my adult self who knows I have the right to make my own choices.
Full transparency: I use Young Living oils and I’m an affiliate, which means I earn a small commission if you purchase through my links. But I’ve been using these oils for years because they genuinely support my nervous system and emotional healing. [AFFILIATE LINK]
Learning About Parts Work
Understanding Internal Family Systems through Richard Schwartz’s work helped me see what was really happening. I have a part that’s terrified of disapproval, that learned early on that wanting things made me a burden. And I have another part that’s angry about all the years I asked for permission, that wants to rebel and buy everything just to prove I can.
Neither of those parts is bad or wrong. They’re both trying to protect me in their own way. But neither of them needs to be in charge of my purchasing decisions.
When I can step into what Schwartz calls “Self”—that calm, centered, compassionate witness—I can acknowledge both parts, thank them for trying to help, and then make the decision from a grounded place. Not from fear of disapproval, and not from reactive rebellion. Just from: Do I want this? Can I afford it? Okay, I’m buying it.
Tara Brach’s teachings on self-compassion have been crucial here too. When the guilt comes up, instead of fighting it or feeling bad about feeling bad, I can offer compassion to that part of me that’s scared. “I know you learned it wasn’t safe to want things. I know you’re trying to protect me. But we’re safe now. We’re allowed to have wants and honor them.”
I learned a lot of this through Sounds True’s courses on trauma and parts work. Peter Levine’s teachings helped me understand why my body physically couldn’t make purchases without permission—my nervous system was in genuine threat mode. Deb Dana’s work on polyvagal theory showed me how to regulate my nervous system so I could make decisions from safety instead of panic.
Full disclosure: I’m a Sounds True affiliate, so I earn a commission if you purchase their courses through my links. But these are the actual resources that transformed my relationship with myself and my nervous system—that’s why I recommend them. [AFFILIATE LINK]
The First Big Purchase I Made Alone
After my separation, I bought myself a Samsung tablet. Something I’d wanted for a long time but never felt like I could justify.
I didn’t ask anyone. I didn’t mention it beforehand. I didn’t explain why I needed it or prove it was a good purchase.
I just… bought it.
Before I hit the purchase button, I tapped. I put on my oils. I breathed. I worked through the fear and guilt until I could click “buy” from a place of choice instead of from terror or rebellion.
And I waited for the guilt. For the criticism. For someone to tell me I was being irresponsible or selfish. But none of that came. Because there was no one there to say those things anymore.
It was just me and my decision. And my decision was that I wanted it and I could afford it, so I bought it.
That tablet became a symbol for me. Not because it was expensive or important, but because it represented my right to make my own choices. My right to want things and get them without needing someone else’s approval first.
Every time I used it, I was reminded: I don’t need permission. I never did.
You’ve Always Had the Right to Choose
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself—if you’ve spent years asking permission to spend your own money, if you feel like a child every time you want something, if you’re still bracing for criticism that isn’t coming—I want you to know:
You’ve always had the right to make your own decisions. That right didn’t disappear just because someone made you feel like it did.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to buy yourself things. You don’t need to justify your wants or prove you deserve them. You don’t need approval from anyone except yourself.
I know it feels scary. I know the guilt is real. I know the old patterns run deep.
But you can learn to give yourself permission. One small purchase at a time. One decision at a time. One moment of choosing yourself over the fear of criticism.
You’re allowed to want things. You’re allowed to buy them. You’re allowed to make your own choices without asking anyone else first.
You just have to give yourself permission.
And if you need help doing that—if the guilt feels too big or the pattern feels too stuck—tap on it. Use your oils to ground yourself. Learn about the parts of you that are in conflict. Be compassionate with yourself through the process.
You deserve to make your own decisions about your own life. You always have.
This post is part of my series on healing your relationship with money. For the complete story, start here: [Money Mindset Blocks: How I Finally Broke Free from Financial Stress and the Belief That I Always Have to Struggle].
Related posts you might need:
- Money Guilt: Why Spending on Yourself Feels Wrong Even When You Can Afford It
- Childhood Money Trauma: Why You Still Live Like You’re Poor (Even Though You’re Not)
- Money Anxiety: Why Checking Your Bank Account Makes You Want to Throw Up
- I Feel Bad Spending Money on Myself: Why It Happens (And How to Stop)
Have you struggled with asking permission to spend? I’d love to hear your story in the comments. You’re not alone in this.
Medical & Professional Disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, licensed therapist, counselor, or qualified financial professional. The content and information provided throughout this website and within this article are intended strictly for educational and informational purposes only. This material should not under any circumstances be interpreted or utilized as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, treatment, mental health counseling, or professional financial planning and legal counsel. Always consult with a certified healthcare provider or qualified professional regarding any specific physical, mental, or financial concerns you may have.
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